Leading through doubt, and avoiding a different kind of clash
It’s the end of the month before I even know it, and it’s time to write my newsletter again. I never realise how much of a difference 2-3 days can make until they’re the missing days at the end of February! This month truly just whizzes by on steroids.
Add to the fact that I had two very intense trips (one to compete in a Catchball tournament and another to participate in the very French tradition of faire du ski), and I feel like I wrote about imposter syndrome in my last newsletter just yesterday. But, of course, that was four weeks ago.
While my coaching practice moved at a slightly slower pace this month, there was no dearth of powerful learning experiences : managing team dynamics when personal ambitions clash with the collective mindset (with my teammates during the tournament) and building confidence in the face of failure (with our family’s ski adventures)!
Let’s start with the latter.
Building Confidence for Others
“Mumma, how are you always so calm and confident?” my ten-year-old asked, his tear-streaked face buried in my arms after a rough morning on the slopes.
We had both taken bad falls, gone off course, and been rattled by some seriously steep slopes. But we had made it through, and now just before his last lesson of the week, he needed courage. And I had to be the one to help him find it. No matter how unsure or nervous I felt myself.
I couldn’t help but feel that this wasn’t just about skiing. This was leadership and influence in action. At work, leaders and managers often see the full picture, especially during economic uncertainty. They know how tough things really are. But their teams look up to them for reassurance. No one is immune to doubt and fear, and of course, it is easy to move forward when you know the way. However exceptional leaders have the courage to show up with conviction even when the path ahead is uncertain.
Take a page from Amy Cuddy’s TED talk and her book Presence, where she explains that confidence isn’t about faking it. It’s about steadying yourself and others when it matters most. Small deliberate actions like slowing down your speech, maintaining open body language, or simply taking a breath before making a decision, can make all the difference in how others perceive and respond to you.
Something to think about :
Confidence isn’t the absence of doubt - it’s what you do despite it. When you’re in a position of influence, you’re the one setting the tone for others. Not to say that there needs to be false bravado, but calm actions are essential : pausing instead of reacting, staying measured in uncertainty, and focusing on solutions rather than spiraling into fear. These small moments of composure might be exactly what someone else needs to steady themselves.
The next time you feel like you’re faking confidence, think about who is looking up to you. Your presence alone might be giving someone else the strength that they didn’t know they had.
Personal Ambition vs. Collective Mindset
And just like confidence isn’t just about how you feel but how you show up for others, leadership isn’t about individual strength - it’s about how you align with a team.
Our team of moms, playing in our first-ever Catchball tournament, had made it to the final eight. We had trained hard, pushed ourselves, and showed up ready to compete (and win!). But a few minutes into the game, it was clear that we were outmatched. Mistakes piled up, the opposing team dominated, and before we knew it, the game was over.
At dinner that night, I turned to my coach and said, “I’m really disappointed with how we played…” It wasn’t just about losing, I felt we hadn’t given our best when it mattered the most.
At the next table, my teammates were raising their glasses, laughing, and saying, “We lost well!”
I was stunned for a moment. Lost well?! To me, it was all about what we could’ve would’ve should’ve done. But to them, the journey mattered more than the final score. We had made it to the finals. We played with spirit. And that was worth celebrating.
Not to say either of us was wrong, but these were wildly different perspectives! And this difference between personal ambition and collective expectation plays out in teams at the workplace all the time.
In a group, every individual shows up with their own ideas of what success means. Some want to win big, others value steady progress, and yet others are focussed on learning and growth. Left unspoken these differences can create frustration for everyone involved. The challenge then is figuring out how to navigate that tension. How do you push for excellence while respecting the team’s expectations? How can personal ambition be balanced with shared goals?
Something to do :
The next time you are starting a project or putting together a team, take a moment to check in before the real work starts. A small exercise at the outset can help:
Pause before the start : ask each team member to write down in one or two sentences what success looks like for them.
Listen for differences : some people will focus on winning big, others will have smaller targets to achieve. Others may value learning and team cohesion.
Align expectations : As a group, find some common themes. Everyone doesn’t have to agree on everything, but knowing what matters to each person can prevent frustration later.
Taking five minutes for this conversation can mean the difference between working together towards a goal and working next to each other with mismatched expectations!
A Question for You :
Confidence, leadership, alignment. These themes come up again and again, whether you’re leading a team or navigating your own path
What can you change today that will help you navigate the tough moments of doubt and frustration the next time you face a challenge?
Until next time,
Nupur
Insightful!